NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
