someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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