Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
A+ Viking dick
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
