Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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