i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
