I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
