hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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