He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
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