Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
