i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
