Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
