Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
