The maid of honor just puked.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
