Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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