oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
