were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
