Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
