last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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