if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
