Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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