Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
