Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
