Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
