I just made out with a guy for $7.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Randomize
