I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
