My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Success! We fucked roommates!
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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