When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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