good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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