I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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