I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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