The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
