I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Randomize