Michael Bay diarrhea
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
