i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
that's an acceptable place to lick
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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