Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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