Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
