someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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