Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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