Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize