I have demons in me.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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