can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize