I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
