The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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