Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Rumble strips road head = magical
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
My life is pants optional.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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