im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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