Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
