either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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