I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
