so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Come on in and take your pants off
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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