I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Randomize
