Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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