Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
