Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
