So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Randomize
