Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
