I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
