Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize