She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
