I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
party gras won. party gras always wins.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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