we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Your cock deserves a montage
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
