Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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