Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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