Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
This house was built for laser tag.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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