i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
