Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize